America! F$@K Yeah!

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I believe it is my duty to tell you. There is only a short amount of time to prepare so I am giving you a heads up. I don’t want to incite panic or cause riots but if I keep this on the down low I believe I would have done a great injustice to the people out there. So here goes.

On August 12, 2011 we, as in the Earth, will be attacked from above by ALIENS!

This information comes via the film Battle: L.A. I know that is not a regular news outlet but hear me out.

In it Arron Eckhart plays SSgt. Michael Nantz. He is a broken man because on his last tour of duty in the Middle East he lost all the men in his team and all he wants to do is retire. On the day he hands in his papers there is a strange meteor shower but there is something wrong about it. Before people know what is going on they are at war with Extraterrestrials. Those meteors where actually alien ships. With their cargo deployed they set out to destroy humankind. SSgt. Nantz’s papers are thrown out and he is called into duty. Reluctantly he is given a platoon under 2nd Lt. William Martinez played by Ramon Rodriguez. They with their men set out to retrieve civilians trapped in the warzone that Sacramento and LA have become.

The thing is, like Independence Day, this is totally plausible. Aliens, without provocation, can easily decend onto our planet to destroy us simply because they want to. We are grossly unprepared for that inevitable event. In this movie there is speculation that they have come to colonize the Earth for its water – we are the only planet that we know of that has such huge quantities of it – but nothing is proven. They could just be a power hungry species that wants to kill us simply because they can.

These destructive other-worlders are biological beings that have been mechanically enhanced. There is only 1 or 2 points in the film where you get a close up of one of them without there being explosions, copious amounts of bullets being fired, or they are too far away. They are swift, cunning, and highly trained beings with advanced technology.

Lucky for the Americans, and the world, they have the people with the bravery, ability and flat out balls to defeat a threat so unfathomable. No matter how dire the situation they pushed on against all hope and prevailed. It wasn’t just Eckhart and Rodriguez that suited up to play such valiant roles but so did Michelle Rodriguez (i don’t know if there is a relation), Jim Parrack (I thought he was just a fang-banger), Ne-Yo (he is taking the same road as many musical artists) and a few others with Bridget Moynahan, Michael Pena, and some kids tagging along as civilians.

Even though there was some strife and people were lost they still managed to make it. I think it was not just training and will power that helped them but SSgt. Michael Nantz’s speeches that helped them through their darkest time. He didn’t hide his fear and he acknowledged his past failure but he was not going to fail now and was not going to let his fear paralyze him. He spoke to his people and made them believe in him and themselves. It was so intense, so thick you had to wade through it like melted cheese. There were layers of mozzarella, cheddar, Monterey Jack and good all American Kraft single slices oozing over it all. Possibly out of a hot grilled cheese sandwich in the hands of a person watching a baseball game to be followed by apple pie.

They triumphed, finding a way to turn the tide to win the battle against their foe. It was glorious. Nantz and what was left of the platoon were taken to safety but they did not rest. Victory had filled their bellies, it was delicious and they couldn’t resist going back for more. By the end the only thing going through my head was this song:

Sure, it is a bit crude some might even say vulgar but it perfectly sums up the film.

Some other countries may have been attacked during the film as well like China and Europe or something but it doesn’t really matter. What matters is the fact that the Americans were able to tell them how to defeat the enemy.

I believe the people of Canada will be safe during all of this. Even though being a large country filled with natural resources like fresh water we were not mentioned in the movie except to be the punch line of a joke.

Battle: L.A. is definitely worth seeing. It is EPIC. It is also good way to prepare for the near future, its only 5 months to August after all.

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