This really should be something left for…lets say Valentine’s Day. I usually save this kind of cynicism and truthfulness for the day when (even though forced) it should be most heart felt; pun intended. But I have come to a realization recently (the weekend to be exact) that my life has been leading up to for a long time.
Before I tell you what it is, I am going to make a disclaimer. I am not saying this because I want to be pitied or reassured. I am stating this simply as a fact; just as the sky is blue you don’t tell it it will be green one day. It is something I have known for a while but it was in my nature as in “human nature” to deny this fact. Also the reason I am writing about it is because when I talk to people I am interrupted by unintentionally flippant remarks. I understand what they mean but I am under the impression that they believe I am saying it simply to be fawned over or to be the center of attention. Both are untrue.
Lately I have been haphazardly brought into conversations about relationships; of the romantic kind not the platonic. These conversations usually happen over dinner, in a group, where the conversations start off at the usual happenings of work, school, or stupid people disrupting one’s life and that somehow always leads to “my boyfriend…”this, “my girlfriend…” that or I like this guy/girl… and so forth. They all talk around me or at me confiding about the goings on of matters of the heart. I am usually very quiet when it comes to this as I have had very little experience. I listen, nod, regularly manage to have the appropriate expression on my face, and I give advice which often turns out to be good advice, luckily. But then inevitably, sadly, the conversation turns to me and my situation.
I am single, perpetually so, and I have gotten used to it. Many of my friends are either in long standing relationships, married, have kids, or a combination of those elements. The ones that are not, regularly date and have varying stories to tell. I do still manage to have fun, as you can tell by reading other posts on this site, but sometimes it can be hard. So I tell people this, I have nothing to hide and there really isn’t anything wrong with my story. The thing I have come to realize, that I usually include when prompted, is that men are simply not interested in me, in that way.
For people who don’t know me personally you would probably think I am being pessimistic and get on with your day. For people who do know me they are also thinking I am being pessimistic but they are thinking of ways to put a reassuring statement in the comments or giving me a call or something. Well let me tell you, it is not about being pessimistic it is just the conclusion to a very long experiment, it would seem.
I have gone out to the same places as my friends, bars, clubs, dinners, school, work, plays, movies, expos…the list goes on and they have all managed to find someone. Whether it has worked out for the long term or not is not the point, the point is that someone found them attractive, spoke to them, and still wanted to know more. Where I get accosted by pervs or random drunk people looking for a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am from anything that breathes.
I get along with people though and I have been told they find me interesting. I am low maintenance, like guy things, am intelligent, can speak my mind, am adventurous, and such. Having those things on paper seems like a plus but apparently in real life they happen to be a negative. Vapid, high maintenance, closeted people seem to find a love interest easily. Well, far easier than I could ever possibly imagine.
According to a certain person in my life it may be because I don’t wear makeup and wear too many t-shirts. I can’t believe that is it because I wear makeup where necessary and don blouses and even dresses when the occasion calls for it. I have also known a few people who were “picked-up” while unpainted and in casual garb. And I am sorry (I know I am being judge-y right now) but have you seen some of the people out there? Yet they have managed to find someone who is attracted to them for whatever reason.
The thing is no matter what I have done – adjusting things both physical and mental – nothing seems to work. I know I can’t make people be attracted to me but I can do things that will make me a bit more attractive. I guess I just don’t have it, whatever it is.
I didn’t come to this conclusion easily. I have reached it after numerous experiences that have left me alone and often slighted. I have only ever been asked on a date once. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I was not attracted to the man, I went simply because I could finally say I went on a date. That was last year.
It was not my only experience with the opposite sex however, I have had extended alone time at a party or a meal; I have tried speed dating not once but twice it will never be thrice; and I have had fun at clubs and bars but the conversations don’t led to, “Hey did you wanna go out some time?” or something along those lines. I am apparently not worth it.
Sure part of the problem is me. I have never had the courage to ask someone out but I think I am a bit of a traditionalist that way. I do believe the guy should do the asking. Or it could just be I am a giant wimp. Let’s just say it is a combination of the two. I also can’t flirt; I just don’t know how. And if I have at any time it was purely coincidental. I also can’t properly identify flirting unless it is pointed out to me. Maybe I am just putting out the wrong vibes? I can be quite guarded at times. Who knows? I know I don’t.
I was once told I live in a fairy tale land by a Rastafarian who believes in free love and expressing yourself with your body who was trying to convince a friend to have sex with him. He knew that I loved movies and tv, informing us that things did not work that way. Women aren’t wooed and romanced, you bump uglies and then you figure the rest of the stuff out. Sure I am a cynic but even I thought that was a horrible way to view things. I wouldn’t say I expect to be overly romanced but a bit of wooing is a definite must. And everyone knows physical relationships don’t last cuz once you stop you have nothing to talk about then both people are left arid, dehydrated, and chafed.
I have to say though, because men aren’t attracted to me in that way I have had the privileged of calling some really great guys my friend. We have great conversations, attend events together, and have a ball but I am one of the guys so it doesn’t go farther than us being platonic. It can be frustrating as some of them started off as infatuations, that is why I got to know them better, but that is better than saying no to everything and staying in my hole (pun intended?).
Fine men aren’t interested in me. That is that. I can’t say I am content with that but I am living with it. I do know I won’t be truly alone as I have friends that would gladly keep the old maid company.
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