Zombie Safe?

Today I didn’t go to work. I woke up with a massive headache, feeling a bit nauseous, and generally unwell. So I decided this is not a day to force myself to sit at a desk and be yelled at on the phone about things I care not about. I have slept for something like 14 hours. It has helped. My headache is now down to a slow deep throb but everything else is still there. At least this means I can open my eyes.

As I got out of bed not long ago the thought I feel like a zombie ran through my head. I took a look in the mirror and I think I actually looked like the part too. My hair was a complete mess, my skin is ashen, and there was crusty stuff all over my face (sexy). As I stood there, looking at my grotesqueness, I wondered why I have been obsessed with zombies lately.

The other day, walking into our building with my mom, I said, “we would so die.” She turned, gave me this horrified but highly quizzical look, and asked, “What?” She is used to me saying odd things out of the blue for the most part but sometimes it still throws her for a loop. I went on to explain why our building is not a safe hideout if there is a zombie outbreak and we have to run for cover. She kinda just looked at me as we walked with this really confused look on her face. Not confused because she didn’t understand but confused because she was sure what kind of drug I was on. When I was done explaining she said something classic but of course I can’t remember what it was but it was along the lines of “what is wrong with you?” and “you are crazy.”

But since then everywhere I go I have this thought in my head is this a safe place to be in a zombie attack? I don’t know where the sudden obsession came from. Is it because of all the posters, ads, and viral videos for Zombieland? That movie looks awesome. Or could it be that I missed the chance to be a zombie in a movie when I was away on my trip? (But my mom got to be in it and I can’t wait to see the pics. And no I don’t know the actual name of the movie but the working title was Zombie School but I will let you know about it.) Or it could be that paper “When Zombies Attack!: Mathematical Modelling of an Outbreak  of Zombie Infection” (mathematicians are so uncreative with there titles) that was released. It’s a real math based theory written by professors from the University of Ottawa and Carleton University on how the outbreak would spread if there is one based on what has been presented in movies and real disease outbreaks. It is actually pretty interesting. But it also makes me wonder why these mathematicians/professors have so much time on there hands and why didn’t I have profs this cool? Or could it be that my mind is just too idle at times and things just like to pop in there and stir things up? Most likely it is a combination of these things.

And you know what I have realized? Nowhere, I frequent, is a particularly good place. The access doors in my building are those automatic ones when they open they just gape open welcoming the invading horde. Plus they would be following us through a narrow hall which is a good place for one of those death scenes as long as I am not the one being torn limb from limb. At work they have these heavy duty doors that can close and lock which is good. But they can easily be bypassed by walking through the flimsy doors that do not lock connecting the offices. And with my luck I would be followed by those intelligent George A. Romero zombies that would figure that out. But there is this weirdo loft (in the traditional sense. Think barn) space thing in the storage area in the back. If I can make it up there and sit quietly, not wheezing because I am over weight and it took a whole lot to get me up there, I may survive huddled in the corner. But I may starve to death. Plus it is dark in there.

Next would be the mall. Even though Dawn of the Dead suggests that may be a good place to camp out and in theory it is cuz of the access to food, weapons, shelter, and fashionable outlets, but really it isn’t. There are too many openings and passageways for that to be an option. I would have to manically run around into every nook and cranny closing and locking all the doors in the place. I mean a single bank of doors has 6 – 8 doors usually and sitting here I can think of at least 10 entrances and that does not include the ones that give entrance on different levels of the department stores. And of course I wouldn’t have keys for any of these doors and most likely the person who has the keys would already be a zombie and then I would have to think of creative ways to keep the doors shut or find the zombified key holder, rekill them, and lock the doors. That kind of thing takes a lot of time or really organized teamwork. But where else is there to go?

I can’t think of a place that is anywhere near where I am that is like “The Winchester”. Where I know and would feel safe even if it may turn out not to be. Maybe I would just come home. Go into my apartment as quickly as possible, maybe even take the stairs, lock the door not forgetting to put on the extra chain thingy, and hide under the covers. Cuz everyone knows that if you are under the covers monsters can’t get you. Or maybe I would assimilate. I can act like a zombie so as long as I don’t get bitten I can manoeuvre by just fitting in. I am halfway there, I already look the part.

Tra