It has taken me a long time to get into writing this year (I can’t believe we are already into the 8th week of the year). It is not that I didn’t have anything to say, it was that I had a lot to say and just didn’t know where to begin.
There were the surface things like I went on a trip back to T&T which was fun and just what I needed; I watched a bunch of great movies and some not so great ones (post pending). Then there is the existential stuff like a mini identity crisis and current mental flux that I am going through. And those last 2 things are really what is getting to me. I have found it hard to function as my mind isn’t as clear as I like it to be.
I didn’t realize I was in a mental flux until I came back from my trip. 2013 was a bit of a hard year for me and I wasn’t able to find time to de-stress or just get away for a while. So leading up to this well deserved time off I was feeling quite hostile to my work place, to my home, and to just being, well, here. It is not that I don’t like being here, I like my job, the people I work with, and my friends, but I just needed a change of pace. Just for a little while.
And I did that. Spent some time with the family, ate a bit, drank a lot, soaked up some sun, played games, and just chilled. I didn’t care what I did cuz I didn’t want to do anything and it worked out just fine for me.
But when I got back nothing had changed. I was expecting the usual; being sad to have left the heat for this cold but happy to be back with friends, in my own bed, and just refreshed. But I tensed right back up, still feeling hostile to this place and I still am. But what frustrates me is that I don’t know why.
To make matters worse I had a mini-identity crisis the reasoning may sound stupid to others but to me, compounded by the problems I was already having, it felt like a big deal.
My cousin did my hair when I was in Trinidad. She put in long braids that went all the way to my butt. I let her cuz I thought a change would do me good. But it just confused my life. I don’t know how people deal with long hair, it is so frustrating! Anyways, I digress, and everyone said they liked it but I didn’t. I chalked it up to that I just needed to get used to it.
When I got back my hair became the talk of the office. People didn’t recognize me, they were amazed and asked questions on how it was done, they all wanted to touch it. The thing that got to me was that they all loved it. Saying I should keep it, it looks amazing, as I still hated it. I looked in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw. But I had decided to keep it in for a month and stuck with that.
It distressed me even more because even though I was being complimented on my new look, it came across like they were saying I was totally ugly before. I don’t think of myself of one of the world’s great beauties (but I may be in contention, HA!) but I have never thought of myself as ugly and to know that the people around me seem to really hurt. And the fact they they found me ‘beautiful’ when I found myself at my worst was salt in the wound.
I stopped saying, “Oh, thanks,” in a quiet, sheepish manner and begun saying, “I hate it. I’m taking it out soon.” That was greeted with guffaws and, “What? Why? It looks so good!” It made me so angry.
After a month I was happy to take it out. There was something cathartic about removing the braids piece by piece; slowly returning to ‘me’ as my head got lighter and lighter. I was surprised how much my mood and attitude changed.
Since then I have been mainly rockin’ my fro (I did straighten my hair for a few days) and loving every minute of it. My hair is no longer the talk of the office but I am glad about that because I don’t do well with attention and compliments (that is a whole other post).
I am still feeling a bit out of place at the moment; somehow trapped by circumstances. I have been looking for ways out and day dreaming of the life I wish I was leading. But the thing is I don’t really want to leave, I just want a short, maybe 6 month, sabbatical to refresh and feel like I’ve done something different and then come back. As I said, I like this place.
I don’t know what I am going to do. For now I hope I don’t do something drastic randomly and regret my decision. I believe I am making the best of it for the moment, still getting out of bed and getting the job done.
Thanks for letting me ramble a bit. Now back to the regularly scheduled posting.